SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NUDE
To become a member of the exclusive four-man Firesign Theatre
Comedy Troupe and Secret Society, you must first be born as a
Being a Leon and damn proud of it! I was secretly
recruited into The sect in 1958 by High Master Supreme Faker Peter
Bergman, the Younger, through the Yale Dramat. Mr. Bergman
was working undersover there as a "lyricist" for such Austin
(coincidence?) Pendleton-penned musicals as Tom Jones
(an obvious alias) and Booth Is Back In Town (conspiracy,
again); and he arranged somehow to have me cast in the title roles.
Later, when Bergman showed up in NYC disguised as a folk song-strumming
soldier, he enticed me to pursue the connection, although at that time
I was a musical-comedy star by night and a juvenile delinquent, on
The Edge . . . of Night, by day. He somehow contrived to get me a
Theatre World Award as a Promising Personality for the musical The
Amourous Flea which was "conveniently" transferred to Hollywood,
where Bergman (now "the Wizard" on KPFK's Radio Free Oz) tricked me into
an on-air collaboration with his fellow traveling conspirators,
Austin [sic] and Ossman (trick).
The rest is history, but I am forbidden to write of it.
I told my daughter I had to write 200 words about myself.
She said, "Dad, don't write spiritual, because some people don't
like that. Don't be serious, because they'll think you're
depressed, and don't write cute, because cute kills. Be funny."
OK, this is a mini-autobiography, so I'll begin with my first car,
a red 1941 Chevrolet coupe that my dad bought me when I was 14.
He put me behind the wheel in Chillicothe, Ohio, and I learned to drive,
navigating 200 miles of back roads all the way to Cleveland.
I love cars. Can't fix 'em, but I love 'em.
In 1955 I was kicked off the Shaker Heights High School radio
station for announcing in a terrible Asian accent that the
Chinese Communists had taken over the school.
In 1957, as an incoming freshman, I was trade by Harvard to yale.
harvard got a guy who could row and Yale got a Jewish boy with
In 1966 I invented the word love-in.
In 1966 I named The Firesign Theatre.
In 1977 I survived The Golden Dragon Massacre in San Francisco.
In 1979 I almost went to medical school.
In 2001 I'm writing The Bride Of Firesign.
HEISENBERG AT HOLMES HARBOR|
COLLISION WITH BIKERS!
Each a handsome senior guy|
or leather gal, all-weather pal
Like everybody I know
out for an azure island afternoon
burst in like so many cosmic rays
over our transparently hydrogen
A mesonic interaction of
entirely separate chemical nuances
like everybody I know
full of the weak force
or full of the strong force
and speaking the language of
The random percussion of visiting|
and my own infinite possibilities
exchange, at a distance, various
"Have a good ones" and
unfamiliar vapors and
spoke the language of memory
And continued right out on track
right on through
Like everybody I know
My world is a world where a woodpecker's a detective, where you're no
fun if you fall right over. In my world, men may scale the glass
canyons of cities sideways, and I'm both the Night Emperor and a Bozo
You might figure there'd be a dame involved.
You see, I'm the guy who fell in love.
Her name's Oona. You've seen her on album covers; you've read her
name in liner notes. That's her with her hand on Rebus Caneebus' butt,
she's the one draped across Dick Private. Nick dreams of her. That's
right, she's the big, beautiful blonde they talk about from Funfuntown to
Anytown, even down in Elmertown.
And me? I'm the guy she married.
In the strange world of The Firesign Theatre parading with
astronauts, laughing like loons onstage at Carnegie Hall, almost
winning a Grammy® twice, playing in ancient theaters, in and
around and out with my boys, having more nice things said about
myself than anyone deserves I'm the guy in the band who's
always had someone watching out for him.
When we're camped out somewhere in the American West one night,
in the light of the campfire, I'm going to tell her how much I love her.
1. Pulling It Off As A Man (2:26)
2. Whaz Reeaal! (6:27)
3. Nick Danger's L-O-S-T G-A-L-S (7:16)
4. The Bride Stripped Bare (5:53)
SOMETHING BURIED, SOMETHING RUDE
5. Low-Glow Land (5:55)
6. Xeno's Paradise (6:20)
7. The Haystack In The Needle (5:16)
8. Dr. Firesign's Plastic Beauty Saloon (4:47)
9. The Graverobber's Roadshow (5:59)
The year was 2001, something had changed.
There were twenties where there only used to be nineteens...
there were double u's where there used to be single bills.
The Firesign Theatre was on the street again, the rain falling,
their footsteps in the fog, a mystery beginning...
No imaginary animals were harmed in the making of this album.
The Firesign Theatre dedicates|
this album to the women in its life:
LILY BERGMAN-STALLONE &
You will enjoy:
its wonderful links
(now defunct) and its FST products
(formerly) the official fanzine
In Addition to This Title,
The Firesign Theatre's
Millennial Trilogy Includes:
Give Me Immortality Or
Give Me Death (1998)
Boom Dot Bust (1999)
(All available on Rhino)
THE FIRESIGN THEATRE
(PHIL AUSTIN, PETER BERGMAN,
DAVID OSSMAN & PHIL PROCTOR)
Script & Lyrics:
All Selections © 2001 The Firesign Theatre|
(PHIL AUSTIN, PETER BERGMAN, DAVID OSSMAN
& PHIL PROCTOR)
Culver City, CA (Summer, 2001)
THE FIRESIGN THEATRE|
CHARLIE WATTS at ENTERPRISE DVD|
REGGIE COLLINS, TED MYERS,|
RANDY PERRY & AMY UTSTEIN
FRANK STEWART, DOC TECHNICAL &|