From the desk of George Tirebiter

Judith Walcutt: ...and I think that it's just about time for our former celebrity to make his personal appearance, I think I see him coming through the crowd right now, it is, it's George Tirebiter!

George Tirebiter: Thank you so much, my dear, so happy to be here. Oh, I've a few fans in the audience, excellent! [applause] Well, just a word today about "platforms" -- political platforms, I mean. We all expect political platforms to be relatively safe; the Natural Surrealist Party platforms were always about three inches off the ground, just so no one would fall off.

"Safe" political platforms for the two major parties these days can be easily expressed for the Republicans: "In God We Trust, But Get Me Arnold", and, for the Democrats: "No More Losers."

Back when I was a candidate for Vice-President of the United States on the Surrealist ticket, the platform that I shared with the distinguished George Papoon was made of three planks. First, "One Person, One Channel" -- our party stood for each human's access to the media! Well, it didn't take long for Surrealists to perfect the internet, and allow nearly everybody to be nearly everywhere, nearly simultaneously. Since this internet access remains an unregulated hall of mirrors and a snake-pit of desire, it has replaced Alice's mushroom as a vehicle for becoming larger... or smaller, depending on what you want.

Not Insane!
Our second plank extended the voting franchise to all sentient beings, and beyond -- "One Organism, One Vote." Well, no wonder George and I were overwhelmingly elected in 1976 and re-elected in 1980 by the near-unanimous ballots of trees, rocks, dogs, endangered species of all sorts, and, of course, by those humans who agreed with our slogan, "Not Insane!"

Now, our third plank was the most not insane plank of them all; it was, simply stated, "The Guaranteed Annual Year." Yes, the right of all beings everywhere to get through 365 continuous days without fear of annihilation.

Now, for 2004, the Natural Surrealists are proposing a platform that retains our desire for the guaranteed annual year, and to extend that notion to the beleaguered citizens of Middle-Eastern hotspots. We also promise to count the votes of those animals and other organisms which will be affected by Congressional legislation and Presidential whim.

And now that we all have more channels than we asked for, as much spam as we can download, and as much cell-phone picture-taking game-playing MP3-spinning electronica as we can carry, and now that we can plug into goings-on everywhere, any time -- now, we can downsize! And I'm going to be the first to use what everybody should use, it's this little chromium switch right here. Friends, I'm off! [click]

Judith Walcutt: ...Well, thank you, George Tirebiter, former Surrealist Vice-Presidential candidate...(fades out)

George Tirebiter
October 18, 2003

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