George Tirebiter: I'd like
to open my remarks today by answering a plaintive plea from "J.R." in
or near Philadelphia as to my reaction to Howard Dean's careless
characterization of guys who drive around in pick-ups with confederate flags
on the back window as potential Dean supporters.
This caused a dust-up with the politically correct faction of the Party
which characterized Dean's characterization as a slur against a stereotype -
punishable by mean cat-calls and caustic sound-bites. The African-American
political leaders reacted very badly to the whole idea of mentioning
confederate flags at all, even decals or tattoos decorating the backsides of
anything or anybody.
I certainly sympathize with all the Democrats who are bucking for a big
voting bloc that includes barely sentient beings with the stars and bars on
the bullet-scarred windows of their assault 4x4s. And I'd like to suggest
that perhaps they could be brought in as separate but equal Democrats.
The Nat'l Surrealist Party appreciates the absurdity and random dreaminess,
the healing collective ritual of smoke inhalation, the snakepit of product
placement that characterizes the really loud forms of popular entertainment.
NASCAR fans are Not Insane. Perhaps deluded.
Now to some remarks about the Vice Presidency of the U.S. It is clear,
looking at the lineup of candidates on the near left, that nearly all of
them are amply suited to run for Vice President. Indeed when Senator
Edwards of Florida was knocked out in the Front Parlor with an empty money
bag, he declared himself a Veep Candidate immediately. Why not? They all
are! Except Lieberman. Lieberman is probably not qualified to run again
for Veep, since he's a failed Veep already.
Dear Friends, I want you to think back thirty years - to the the last time
we had an unelected Republican administration. We called it The
Kissenrockafordafeller Presidency. You remember - Veep Spiroo Agnoo got his
fist stuck in his home-town honeypot - Prez Nix-the-fix-is-in took Air Force
double-zero out of town and we got a real regular guy - Veep Jerry Ford who
appointed Veep Rocky Rockefeller. That made for the most progressive
Republican administration since - well, since they started keeping records.
Now, Rocky turned out to be a little too Museum of Modern Art for Middle
American voters, so we got Veep Dole. A man as true to his name as say,
Schwarzenegger, the Terminator, or Tom Delay, The Ex-terminator.
In 1976, I was running against Dole - the flaccid Eeore Veep, Fritz The Cat
Mondale, and my favorite opponent, Nobody, who was in the Veep spot on Gene
McCarthy's independent ticket. Nobody - a true Surrealist, was later
revealed to be a pig - managed by Wavy Gravy. They subsequently ran for
President on the Yippie ticket.
Does everyone remember that Bush the Elder was once Veep? He rose from the
role of perpetual bureaucratic Utility Infielder to within 50 miles of
Baghdad and begat the Veep who couldn't spell - J. Danforth
deer-in-the-headlights Quayle with-an-E - whom we now know to have actually
been a surrogate for Dubya. A Father and Son administration - the ultimate
Here's a few never-made-it Veeps: Geraldine Ferraro - Lloyd Benson - Jack
Kemp - James B. Stockdale (he ran with H. Ross Perot - remember H. Ross
Perot, with the ears?). But the strangest Veep who never was was General
Curtis "Bomb 'em back to the stone age" LeMay... The original of the insane
General in "Dr. Strangelove." The year was 1968. We could have been in
serious trouble a lot sooner than we are now.
In 2004 - Maybe Al "Saturday Night Live" Sharpton for Veep? The Surrealist
fringe might go for Al and Dennis the K as the perfect Dream Object of Not
Insane Desire. Or, there might be another candidate for VICE President,
just waiting for the right amount of encouragement.